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1. I am alive
2. No more broken-hearted.
3. My father bought me a car right after the big earthquake hit Padang.
4. I’ve got my driving license despite my shameful-driving-skill ( i almost died two weeks ago since my car’s brakes failed me when i drove on a steepy slope near Bung Hatta Library in my Bukittinggi).
5. It’s still so difficult to find a place to stay in Padang.
6. I am dead busy with my you-will-not-believe-it teaching schedule.
7. i just bought an internet modem which means i can go online whenever and wherever i want. Finally, after a month hiatus, i start blogging again! (i used to count on the internet at my uni. it sucks!)
8. Yeah…you are rite….I posted nothing during the past month but NEVER EVER think that i do not follow the hocus pocus of the political circus taking place in my country. Just wait till I finish marking my students mid-term test answer sheets, i will go on and on and on and on about current issues which catch my interest.
9. My uncle was right. He said, “no need to mend your broken heart……find a new heart”. I’ve stopped crying myself to sleep for the past thirty days.
10. I will start blogging regularly after today. Don’t call me Delvi if I fail doing it.
P.S. Still I could not post something worth reading for this time being. I’ve got stacks of student’s paper to read on my table now.
I am listening to Mariah Carey’s “I still believe” while typing this post.
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Well, I am OK. I think I am OK. Therefore, I am OK.
An epiphany came to me just now that what everyone wants in life is happiness. If the man I love thinks that marrying that fiancée, who doesn’t like him talking to me, of his will give him happiness. Then who am I to stand in his way? So, despite the fact I can’t prevent this hurt from almost over taking me, I am letting go. If he should return to me, we truly were meant to be. Wah, I don’t know I can be so literary. (To avoid any accusation of plagiarism I just listened to another Mariah Carey’s song: Butterfly. So, I see no harm of being inspired. But, anyone, any layman can have the same clauses, rite?)
Yesterday was definitely the gloomiest day of my life. I even stupidly planned to live a “William Faulkner’s A Rose for Emily” life. (you should read the story if you want to know more but in short this Emily killed her fiancé who plans to jilt her days before their wedding. She saved his remain in their supposedly wedding chamber and spent the rest of her life sleeping next to the corpse.)
You know I told my uncle, who still tried to console me and asked me to be strong, that “I can withstand anything but the fact he is getting married…why doesn’t he kill me altogether…it’s a death sentence….the sky is falling for me”. My uncle warned me not be to be fatalistic because “life is for living so go and live it”. Yet, I stubbornly decided to stay in love with my sorrow and be a Kate Mansfield’s Miss Brill, a poignant dame seule*. I persistently muttered Derevaun Seraun** during my sleep deprived night. I laid awake staring blankly to the ceiling. I even didn’t bother to care about my safety during series of mild tremor at 2 a.m. I might dead as well, I thought. Why should I live if I could not hold him again, I whispered. His face was everywhere tormenting me. Smiling. The smile that I adore.
I planned to be gloomy as well today. I wanted the world to know that I was the victim of a betrayed love (or is it a one-side love?) or a thwarted hope. But, isn’t he the victim too if he forces himself to be with me despite the fact he does not feel for me anymore (or never)? It’s suicidal for his part.
So, I started my day as usual today. As usual as days before the days I met him. Never will I regret the encounter. Probably I will cry a sob two for the detachment (I still don’t cry till this moment). I still can play a clear mental snap shot of the moments he took me to an art gallery or a museum or corrected my mispronounced English (I remember the word is sapphire) or told me funny stories or when we strolled in the park or watched Batman The Dark Knight. Such a gentle and soft-spoken young men he is . A lump felt in my throat recalling this sweet memories for your information. I still miss him so profoundly. (and probably he is now busy frolicking with his fiancée, who knows?)
And the day turned out to be very fine. I am my usual self today. Such a speedy recovery from the worst blow I’ve ever had . I don’t know what the factor for this quick recuperation is. My uncle might be right that I am too strong for this. and to “dump or be dumped is just a part of growing up…one day you will kick back and have a good laugh over this episode of you life”, said he.
Or, probably it’s because of my nature. I can never really hate someone no matter how evil they are to me including a cousin of mine who almost raped me when I was six.
* French: woman alone
** Irish: The end of Pleasure is Pain (Read James Joyce’s Evelyn if you don’t trust me)
I don’t know where to start this story. My story. But this post is probably my most personal entry.
The man I love informed me last night that “i’ve got sorts of good news but it might be bad news for u am afraid that am getting hitched”. (I had nightmares for two days in a row and I saw him in my dreams, so I texted him asking about his being and that is the asnwer)
You know what, my reaction is completely out of your expectation of what a jilted girl will have: no single drop of tears escaped my eyes. To me personally it is a mystery why I didn’t cry at all. It’s something extraordinary. I could be so calm. I could take this blow with grace. Or, am afraid that I am merely living in the state of complete denial pretending that everything is completely alright and no body is breaking my heart. I even could sleep soundly clutching his t-shirt, which is in my possession.
Yeah. Probably, I am just delirious. You know like being infected by a viral disease, I am now in the incubation stage. I could not feel the pain now but wait in few days I will burst and expire.
Or, it’s too painful that I could feel nothing at all. i’ve lost all senses.
Frankly speaking , this composure taking this kick in teeth quite fascinates me. no, it worries me. for the past one year since I got home to Padang, I never fail to cry my self to sleep every single night for the reason everybody must know: I miss him deeply. (we live in different country)
But last night was different. I didn’t weep. I didn’t wail. I didn’t tear my hair. what a mystery!
Probably my most reasonable answer to this mystery is I love him too much that I am happy for his happiness. So, learning this happy happening to come, I texted him (since he kept refusing my call) which said:
- Wah, congrats ya! When? M I invited? (no replay)
- Tell her I m happy for her. I wish u a happy and blissful marriage. Try to have only two kids coz kids are expensive today. (no replay)
Yah, I love him too much to the extent I can tolerate this disappointment to my part. He is getting married to someone else while I always think should I consider marriage I will choose him.
Or , he just wanted to get rid of me (m quite persistent and always take the initiative). I did the same thing to some of my former dates. I told them that “I am getting married so please forget me”. But I didn’t tell them “my fiancée doesn’t like me talking to you”. It hurts my pride that my future husband has such a control over my life. Normally those former dates will stop calling me or sms me or say “delvi I miss you badly”. Probably, he wants to create the same effect that I impose to boys I have dumped.
My uncle said everything happens for a reason .
Sure! Can’t agree more.
Some of the reasons I have in mind are:
- He thinks it is impossible between us since we live in different country. (You know what I did last two weeks: I flew to his city just to have a dinner with him and flew back to my country the day after. Definitely, it’s costly. And no mention about his imminent marriage at all).
- He simply does not feel for me. What else? I cannot force no one to love me if he does not want to and neither can one to me.
My uncle also said that it is not my loss, it’s his. I know he was trying to console me. then, “ he is not worth your tears….you deserve a better man”. Yeah when someone ditches u, he is not good enough for you. But, when the same man decides to stay, he is meant for you. Funny, rite?
Never know how I could develop this deep attachment to him. Could not figure out how he stole my heart. When. Why. and Why him. Why not my colleagues at uni?
I am never scared of everything including this everyday tremor we have here in Padang (just a moment ago we were hit by another quake, I guess it was at 5 or so magnitude. It was quite strong since the buildings were swaying). Truly, I never get panic when having a hit but the possibility not to see him again if I get killed in one of the hits scares me more. That’s the only fear I have now.
I love him. I still do and will do.
I won’t give hope. That’s not so me. Yeah this one particular thwarted hope won’t make me surrender. It’s hopes that get me where I am now and what I am now. Therefore, I will continue hoping.
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Let down that’s how I feel
Need to cut out this bond
Hope I don’t over bleed
So I wont fall ill.
See, having a broken heart can be productive to me. I just wrote a poem! don’t you think the rhyming is perfect.
well, this post is not in any way the reproduction of the year of living dangerously, but in the past few days i really can’t sit still or sleep well. thank god i do not lose my appetite. after few months lull of living without tremors, padang AGAIN is hit by earthquake. see…. i use the to be is not was because we are still rocking and swaying in every other hour. sigh, i will be sleeping in tent tonight since it’s too dangerous to sleep in my room which is located on the fifth floor.
Oh, just now was another hit! got to go… (i supposed to tweet not blog in this condition).
major updates: Noordin M Top, the terrorist, was suspected as one of the killed in the 18 hours raid conducted by our Densus 88, Indonesian Anti Terror Detachment.
well, i extend my heartfelt condolence to his family and loved ones. i understand their lost and grieve. yet good riddance, this dangerous man deserved it. colson was right the tentative rule of the day is to be intolerant to the intolerant personae. (to be honest, i prefer this man to be alive to seeing him on tv carried in a casket. i want to see him stand the trial and answers questions of so many ‘whys’ and ‘how dare yous’ coming from the families of his explosive victim.
minor updates: i cannot post anything worth reading lately since i am busy getting sick. i am not done with my dentist yet. you know i need to undergo one more treatment before the permanent filling is applied by my dentist next week. then, on monday i fell off an angkot and got my lef leg injured. thank to my batik frock and 7 inchies hi heels.
okeh….i’ ll talk more on my accidents on my next posts. i can’t do it now since i need to work till i die to finish this researh proposal which has to be submitted on this coming monday or “else” (that was how the minor boss shouted at us young lecturers).
m not dead ok! neither m i kidnapped by slimy green aliens from mars. nor am i jailed for (i don’t know why a good girl like me should be jailed?). nor m i trapped in a nuptial ceremony secretly arranged by my mother.
i m just busy running around padang-bukittingi for the past few weeks to check on my ailing tooth. i was down with sakit gigi. it was pretty bad so i needed to spend a week back home in bukittinggi so my mother could attend to my constant whimpering and administer her favorite aphrodisiac obat kampung (the yolk of the duck egg, honey, salt, hot rice milk, and a sprinkle of lemon juice: “have a glass of it then you will be able to satisfy your four wives”, that’s what a traveling medicine man told the crowd in my market) to me. i didn’t know whether my ibu agreed with the tukang obat but when someone got sick in my family, my ibu would prepare a glass of that potion. and there are two weeks to go before my UI (Universitas Indonesia) grad dentist tell me to stop visiting her clinic in a serene cluster of housings near the road heading to Payakumbuh.
meanwhile, for the past few weeks i was also busy “being on the other side”.
i went to a church . supposed my kampung ustad knew this he would have his disciple hang me to death and screamed to my death body: “impostor! apostate! murtad” (its hyperbole ok) but i felt good. i m no stupid to just take it whatever people i just knew told me.
first impression, in terms of public speaking, any ustad in my kampung is no match for this pastor. their rhetoric ability is no where near him. moreover, this pastor was able to present himself as one of the masses. i mean he did not pose as a holy man preaching words sanctioned by god. he was there just to share what he had read from the bible and invited the rest to think about the truth contained in those biblical lines. i remember he was reading the section on caleb who demanded joshua to hand him a mountain. in short, it was about spirit and courage. “if the 85 old year calib wanted to fulfill his responsibility why can’t you my young friends (most of his listeners were my student age and i went there with my student),” he roared to his youthful crowd.
interestingly, he also talked about the young suicide bomber who exploded himself in JW Marriott last month. i was eagerly waiting for words like these: ” look at that muslim. they are extremist, they kill people. they are apostate. it is our heavenly duty to exterminate them all. it is written in the Bible!”. however, what i heard really surprised me. the pastor said,” look at that young soul who was so brave to do that duty. he did it because he was brave. if he was not brave he would not be able to pull the trigger. he was right because he was brave. we should laud him for his bravado. I encourage you, my young friend, to be brave as well like that young suicide bomber. but my young friends be brave to save lives not to destroy live. that young bomber was right but he was wrong because he communicate with wrong persons. so, my young friends, you must communicate with the right thing, the right person, be brave to save lives not to destroy lives”.
i believe he didn’t aware about the presence of a muslim in his church. i was not in my ms delvi regalia that evening. i appeared just like my students. at the age of 27 i still can pass a senior high school student u know. to be honest, it surprised me that he did not blame the religion, in this case, my faith for the bombing. yet, he pointed to the nose of crooked personalities who had misused the faith to suit their equally devilish interest.
frankly speaking, he gained my respect immediately. his words sent me to deep thinking: it would be wonderful if my kampung ustad stop preaching about killing orang orang kafir, the apostates. i believe this world will be a better place without those bloody speeches.
(well, m not saying my faith is a religion of violence. it’s far from it. but i know some people who only posses a skewed understanding of the religion confidently preach to the masses to promote violence to people “on the other side” using adultered interpretation of the holy scripture).
poetry is like a bird, it ignores all frontiers (Evgeny Yevtushenko)
well, the clause of the day is “i love poetry”
I always love poetry and the same clause goes to poets (yes this is confession # 1)
Saleh ben Joned, a malaysian poet whose work i studied when i was at UKM once stated that poetry is the most private from all genre of literary work. to put it in other words, sometimes it’s only the poets who know the meanings of the piece they’ve just penned.
in my words, this private aspect makes poetry “mysterious” to most people. yes it is mysterious in any sense of the word.
as a person trained in literary criticism, i confess that reading poetry is the most challenging task i’ve ever faced. let alone analyzing it! wah, it’s like doing my hard regime of work out before participating in a martial art competition (it was years ago and i got Silver). yeah, its mysterious; hard to unveil; and difficult to comprehend.
however, naturally it challenges me and i naturally love challenges. yah, what to say, i am my parents’ daughter. it’s in the blood.
yes, challenge is another aspect which makes me smitten with poetry. quoting the great russian poet i’ve mention above that poetry ignores all frontiers. my understanding of his words is poetry challenges rules. in other words, it’s rebellious.
aih, i have this penchant to instantly in love with rebels. (for your information, my Ibu told me i m a rebel).
mmmm…..i contemplate that if i have this intention to marry, i’ll marry poets. to me poets (writers in general) are sexy (confession # 2).
nah, do you know why i ramble about marrying a poet today. because the semester break will start next week and it’s likely i’ll spend much time at home in bukittinggi. it means, i’ll spend more time with my family.
then?
it means during the two months course of the semester break, somebody will raise this question when i m gonna get married.
so?
it means i need to invent answers for that typical question which will hit me blow after blow.
hah?
and they will not stop despite my battered, black and blue with shame and humiliation psyche.
god!
they will only stop ambushing me with those annoying questions when they succeed to make me sit next to a bride groom on a pelaminan, a marriage altar.
worse, the more pressing matter is my family’s home is right next to a mosque, where couple solemnize their marriage, and right dead in front of KUA office, where couples register their marriage.
what more?
not far my my back yard is a the village’s communal bath where girls and ladies bath, do the laundry or dishes, in short, gather and gossip. and the hottest gossip feed is “the unmarried maidens in the village”.
yes, m dead. definitely finished. i envision my mom will nag me whenever she she has chances (she is as persistent as i am you know). cepat kawin!!!!!!
anyone please help me! give me a poet!
soon.
yes, today is my b’day. no celebration: nothing to celebrate.
my students have been ringing me since last nite greeting me: “happy birthday miss”. and i’ve been dully answered them: “thank you dear”.
yeah, i am a year older. some people i’ve met told me that your birthday is a reminder that you have lost another year of your predestined time allotment to live. in a sense they are correct. I, however, do not see my birthday in the same pessimistic manner.
i will never look forward to dying. I will never look gloomy on my birthday ( for bigger numbers when asked about my age , more wrinkles, more crow feet, more cellulite, sagging breasts, shrinking cheeks, missing teeth, arthritis, thinning hair, losing the seduction power of my lips, losing my curve, cloudy eyes and the list is on and on). I feel beautiful: it means I am beautiful. I feel young: definitely I am young. No question on that.
this day is my winning day. yes Death will ultimately come. But living my birthday today means i’ve won the negotiation with the Death. in other words, this year i have succeeded to make it agree to delay its ultimate visit.
yes i do not want to die (now) . Quoting Chairil Anwar, “I want to live for another thousand year”.
there are lots of projects i have in mind. there is this grand dream looming in my imagination. i have this obsession to make this world a better place.
all in all, happy birthday to me. see you again next birthday.
well, my mom is getting desperate by the day seeing me un-married by the age of 26. she raises this issue every time i go home to my bukittinggi. she has tried various approaches to tell me to get married as soon as possible. she has tried this:
“what are you waiting for? you’ve reached the legal age to be married; you’ve got a good job; you’ve finished your master…….”
or this:
“oh poor me, i have no son-in-laws, no grand children. my friends bitch behind my back because all of my daughters, who have reached marriageable age, are unmarried. with this asthma of mine, i cannot see my grand children in my life time. oh poor…poor”
or this:
“if none of you get married soon, i will take all of my money to perform my pilgrimage to mecca”
“so, mother why don’t u go to mecca since you’ve got the time and most importantly the money”, i responded one time.
“oh poor, people will bicker behind my back. they will say my hajj is not mabrur (fulfilled) since i go to mecca but leave unmarried daughters behind”
or this:
“you know, this and that aunty’s daughters are getting married. she must have been released from her burden (of having unmarried daughters)”
or this:
“if you still wait and wait you will get older and nobody wants you as wife. if you reached 40 and still unmarried, the chance to get a proper husband (a husband who is older than me on the the ground that if you are 20 your husband should be at least 24 -0r 25 or the same age. it is unlikely for my mother to have a son-in-law who has been married before)”.
or this
done with my mother, now let’s hear what people at office have to say about my husbandlessness (especially after a friend of mine jut got married last two weeks). let’s take a look at the first common comment.
“sudahlah buk delvi, look at your friend, she is happy and married rite now. when is your turn?”
or this:
“don’t you want to experience surga dunia or heaven on earth (they are referring to sex, mind you)”
or this:
” ah ha ha ha ha morniiing, so how it feels? what three rounds? what time did u finish the third round? aaaa that’s why you were late this morning. shhhhhhhhhh….there is a kid here (they refer to me) was it great? (whisper mode is on).
or this:
“this delvi, poor girl, perawan tuh or still a virgin” smirk….smirk and more smirkings. (assuming that married women gain more respect; married women are considered as complete women since they have their other halves (hubbies) and, most of them, kids. being complete defines their happiness. so, no wonder that a childless married lady at office does not have that complete happiness.
or this statement by my colleague:
“get married lah dulu before you commence your Ph.D. Men will back off knowing you are a Doctor Delvi. Believe me life will be unhappy without a spouse (i emphasize spouse here not lover or partner).”
or this:
“can i commence my ph.d this year? no, balaki dulu (no way, you need to get married first before we can officially permit you to further your study)
at first i just snicker to these remarks/statements/comments/, but now i am getting weary. the funny thing is it is not me who are desperate to see myself getting married soon but those around me.
well, i m no in any position opposing marriage institution. definitely i will probably marry someone in the future. however, to choose not to get married is a rightful choice as well. i am pro-choice you know.
to be honest i don’t know what i don’t have the slightest idea to get married until now. if you press on asking me why, perhaps, my answer will be somewhere hidden subliminally amongst the answers below:
1. i m still in blue on why people should get married in the first place.
2. no mr. right within the reach of my radar at this moment.
3. if this mr. right is there and kneeling before me rite now asking me to be his, it’s no way i can’t see me be able to pull myself to say “yes i do”.well, m not that choosy when it comes to lover: as long as he (even a jerk) can get my attention i will ‘hunt’ him, so i spare him from this difficult task to ‘conquer’ me. but, that ‘he’ is really a rare species here. hi hi hi hi but seriously i am not picky…
4. yes, of course, i envy those happy couple, spending their time together, laughing together, eating out together. however, everyday i have this confession that they envy me on the way i lead my life at this moment. so, who is less happy? me or them?
5. i do miss those whispers, caresses, kisses, hugs, embraces, midnight calls, crab words “i miss u” i used to have months ago.
6. i also love playing games with these boys’ hearts. i know a boy who regrets it deeply that he had tied the knot few days before he met me again a month ago. poor boy
7. i also know some boys secretly love me but have no courage to tell me and poor them i don’t feel for them.
8. this one boy i love but he doesn’t.
9. i have no problem with this sexual energy thingy. i mean i have no issue on how to channel them. m busy, super busy in fact. only those who have nothing to do will get confused how to release this brimming energy and desperately resort to sexual intercourse (as if it is the only means to do so) . to put in another way, a husband is not a sole means to satisfy you sexually. i get this great orgasmic satisfaction whenever i can get my students understand what i am lecturing on, or when i am able to rebut someone’s stupid remarks against me, or when i can post something on my blog, or when i make a boy stumble on the street since he doesn’t watch his steps for the sake of staring at my flirting eyes, for example. oh, it makes you sweat and moan, believe me.
10. i never find any university in this world which requires its prospective students to be married to make them eligible to enroll for a Ph. D program.
you know people get married because (according to what they tell me ok)
1. to find their other half
wah, i don’t subscribe to that prescription. i m myself, a complete Self.
2. to find happiness
marriage does not constitute happiness, methinks. i know lots of married people leading a hell of life.
3. security (financial, status…)
mmmm, it does make sense.
4. to “legally” breed so that you age your children will take care of you
it can be, but wait! your children never want to be born. it is you, your ambition to have children (to take care of you when you are old). that’s exploitation.
5. to build a family and hopefully lead a happy life with those you love (which is your family.
can’t agree more.
but still, it is a choice, rite? it is about the right person, the right time, and the right mood.
today, i don’t feel like marrying for various ‘indefinite and blur reasons’. but when i feel like doing it, surely i will. just wait for my invitation.
therefore, it is a ‘Me’ factor not ‘You’ factor. when the time finally comes i will climb the bat tower and turn this SOS sign on: I NEED A HUSBAND.
ps. for those with the same situation, the best way to ease yourself from the burden of the frequent questions “kapan kawin” is to say ” ok i will but help me find the dude”. usually they will back off since they do not sincerely concern about you. but if you encounter those who are seriously want to ‘help’ ya just play the game (if you want)…..
i m down with this sakit gigi for almost four days. been to the dentist twice since the first attack on monday, but it is to no avail. i m even cringing with pain while typing this post. so sakit sekali saudara saudara….
this pain is so precarious or i may say it mysterious. why? i don’t know what’s wrong with my teeth neither does the dentist ( oh how come? he is THE DENTIST!). he checked my teeth and did some tests but he failed to decide what caused the pain. his best answer was i need to take an x-ray photo of my teeth and only after that he can do “something”. but he seemed to be quite sure that there was an infection in my upper right gum, especially near the first two teeth from my wisdom tooth, for its color was redder than the other area of the gum. so, the last words the doc said before writing a prescription was, “inflammation [because of the infection] may cause the pain. therefore, i’ll give you stronger medications than what i have given you on monday.”
sometimes, i laughed amid my sobs why these teeth turned against me?
i pay much attention to my mouth as mush as attention i give to my face. my toothbrush is the “best” in its class; the toothpaste is the “most expensive” in its class; my dental floss is the “most sophisticated” in its class.
“oh ungratefully teeth how could thou hurt thy master this way”, i lamented.
me (the eldest yet the most cengeng girl or most pampered in the family) has called my mom several times everyday since monday. everytime i called, yeah you know me, i would always cry.
“ibu hu hu hu hu hu sakit gigi”, that was the opening sentence. then,
“manjo bana anak ko mah, pulang se lah kalau mode itu. bia diubek dirumah” (you spoil girl, why don’t you just go home to bukittinggi and let me take you to your dentist).
yeah that was the scene. so, today i am gonna go home to my bukittinggi and make an appointment with my dentist. i really need to find a second opinion regarding this illness of mine.
