kodrat ini membunuhku: the disavantages of hiring a woman

well, yesterday i had this conversation with the superior. we were chatting about the absence of another lesser superior due to her pregnancy. then promptly this superior of mine launched this sexist remark which sounds:

“this is the disadvantage of hiring a woman. they need too many days off. look at this so and so, she just asked for a month leave because she is getting married. what’s next? i believe she will ask for another leave due to pregnancy just like miss so and so. then i believe that there will be more then one pregnancy leave she will be asking after this. ah, susah….susaah (too bad….too bad)”

and my answer for this sexist reasoning is this:

“aih sir! you sound so bloodily funny. don’t you remember that day in and day out you are naging and naging us the un-married young chaps and chicks around to get married soon. kapan kawin? kapan kawin, that’s your constant questioning. nah, now she has decided to abide your demand and gotten married, but why you complain when she asks for a leave?”

my superior was at loss of words. and i knew i’d won the battle.

Kodrat ini membunuhku

it seems ages since the last time i blog. Yeah folk, i am super busy. now i am back home in my country serving my old almamater. i don’t know what to comment on this job. what i know is thousands will kill for it. one can say i am lucky since i pass every kind of lousy examinations leaving thousands other applicants to get to it without so much trouble. i tell you one little secret: this is my (mom’s) dream job. she is so proud of me right now. i can say that my success in landing in this job is the manifestation of her own achievement. mom, a peasant girl, who never knows how it feels to sit in a secondary school, has a daughter with a master degree who is a dosen (lecturer) in a public university. now she has everything in the world except a son-in-law (but that’s is another ranting).

am i happy? i am supposed to be happy. my peers say: “delvi you must be very very very happy. but i think i feel nothing. it’s only now i lose all of the excitement of getting this job. do u want to know why? It’s because of my kodrat as a woman.

So, this is the story.

while studying in malaysia, i began developing a habit of going to any wifi-ed coffee shop bringing my laptop and do my work over there. i love espresso so much. i can take three shots of espresso just in one sitting. nah, now i am working in padang. There is no starbucks neither coffee beans. I can’t find neither Gloria jean’s coffee nor old town white coffee. but that’s not a problem. i bear no grudge of sitting in any warung kopi as long as they have free internet. but the thing is, finding places with free internet in padang is like finding nemo. at uni, the internet is LOUSY. so, my only choice is to go a café on  jalan damar or sit in a lobby bar of rocky hotel. i prefer the latter since it is the only place where espresso is served and wifi-ed.

since my home coming 2 weeks ago, i went there several times. I did some lousy marking work there. and that’s is the problem. me, delvi, a minangkabau, muslim WOMAN sitting in a bar of a hotel /café and a dosen at that. i see it as not a problem. i did not break any law neither did i brace any norm. i didn’t drink neither did I go wild. i just had a cup of coffee while enjoying their free internet (that’s is my main objective of going there). moreover, i always kick my ass out of that place right after the sun set since i need to catch the last bus to get home. yeah padang dies down at dusk. but some self-righteous personalities from my own department who do not really know who delvi is think it is wrong. they think i’ve breached taboos of being a woman. one of them bitterly suggested that if i still want to get married i should stop frequenting any sort of café. one of them complained to my superior that i have been americanized or i am more american that the americans or “ why delvi is so american she did her master degree in Malaysia only even those of us who went to school to america do not sit in a café to have a cup of coffee”

questions: (1) what is so american about having a cup of coffee while browsing the net. (2) what is so unislamic about sitting is a lobby bar of a hotel or café? (3) what is so un-traditional about doing your job in a comfy place like a lobby of a hotel or a café? and…..

WHAT IS SO WRONG ABOUT ME DOING WHAT I WISH TO DO?

they told me: “delvi, now u are a dosen. u need to watch your manner. frequenting places like that will mar your reputation as well as your institution. most importantly, no good woman goes to that place”

you know folk, i retaliated. i fought back. a word for a word. an argument for an argument. but i was alone. It’s like me against the system. i did not really lose the battle but they kept the table. there was a subtle threat that i am going to lose that thousands-will-kill-for-it job if i keep my stand. what is so funny about the threat is there is no such formal rule for someone like me to lose my job just because i drink a cup of coffee in a café.

sigh. i am sick of it. I feel like dying. again in my life, being a woman is killing me. why is everything so difficult for women? why there are so many restrictions for us? why can’t we enjoy life?

One thing for sure, i will do what i wanna do. i will go to wherever i wish to go. only god can stop me.

AND THEY ARE NOT MY GOD.

Kodrat ini Membunuhku

September 27, 2008

Tradition versus Modernity

I am used to think that I am the luckiest girl on earth. I’ve got supportive parents, loving siblings and peaceful neighborhood and a beautiful kampung. I still think I am lucky since my beloved parents are willing to crack their back earning money from dawn till dusk selling any sorts of vegetable just to make sure all of their children get the best education this world has to offer. We are not rich though. We are just ordinary farmers and petty merchants.I tell you folk, both of my parents never had any chances to finish their elementary school yet they are able to send me abroad to pursue my master degree and send another two girls and one boy to local university. I am still lucky that my siblings keep a keen interest in completing their study. The girl number four, she wants to be a midwife in the future; the youngest boy who is just 10 year old wants to be a koki , a chef, that he always busy prattling questions whether to go to France or Italy to learn how to cook mi spageti. Yes, that’s the way he is used to pronounce spaghetti.Thank God we are such a happy family.

But I think I am not lucky because I was born a woman. Wait! Don’t you hastily accuse me of being ungrateful to what God has granted me. But that’s true folk. Being born as a woman is not my luck. Let me tell you why.

Being born genetically as a female human is my kodrat, my destiny. In other words, I can’t escape this destiny since I have every biological organs that constitute my female-ness and I have no problems with that fact. Yet I have so many problems of being a woman. Here, we are talking about culture and its part of parcell, which is religion. Amongst the so many problems that I have of being a woman, this edition of kodrat ini membunuhku will reveal the current rock that my feet tumble into.

I am twenty six this year, beautiful at that (sorry I can’t help my narcissistic alter-ego) and just finished my master degree in Postcolonial Literature in English and soon to be unemployed (hope someone reads this piece and willing to employ me). I am twenty six and the first daughter of the family growing up in a matrilineal society. My Mom, despite her pride of having a sophisticated educated daughter begins to worry. Her twenty six yer old, beautiful and educated first born is not married.

Yes, that’s  the clue for my “predicament”.

Let me elaborate further.

My mom is a proud Minangkabau woman. She has everything she wants in life. She has four daughters to pass down the family name. In my culture land and properties are passed down from mother to daughter and so is family/clan name. In other words, if a Minangkabau woman has no daughters she is considered as punah or extinct.Now you see my point. My mom has everything she wants in life but one, granddaughter.

For me, this is not a big deal. I never lose any sleep at night thinking of my singlehood. But for my mom, this is almost the end of the world. My sisters told me that my mom almost can’t help it anymore when our neighbors start being fussy asking when Delvi is going to get married or when my mom is going to be granted grandchildren. When I told them that I am planning to commence my Ph. D this year and it can take four or five years to complete it she almost fainted. And here we go, my mom unsheathed her classic weapon of archaic wisdom about the predicament of unmarried women. She lamented that a woman is good for nothing if she has no husband and children. I did try to confront her with my so-called modern logic yet it was to no avail. I am in a real dilemma. I plan to complete my Ph. D before I turn thirty yet I can’t help it when I see my mother’s teary eyes longing to see me, her first born, having a husband and of course granddaughters.

I tell you folk, I have no problems of finding a man or two guys to date with. It is just a piece of cake for me. While typing this post I am accompanied by a nice and quite good looking guy whom I just know for three days yet he is madly in love with me.Yet getting married is not in my list right now. I want to see the world. I want to conquer the world. I want to change the world for the better. I will educate my nation. I will build my society. I will make the world look up at us, Indonesians. I want to make sure there will be no more Indonesians getting harassed abroad just like what I see almost everyday in the foreign country where I am studying now. I will consider marriage when I am done with my obsession. Whenever I tell my mom about this she looks at me in eyes disbelieving that her daughter has gone that far.

I know I have hurt her and its killing me. I know I haven’t able to be a ‘good’ daughter my mother dreams of. I know why she worries that much. She does not want me to be punah. Time and again her worrisome face is killing me. If I were a man I think she would not agonize that much.

Who to blame? My mom? No. It is her who gives me chances to be enlightened through my education. My father? No. He whipped me once when he knew I often skipped my classes opting for running around with boys flying kites or playing with marbles. If I have to put on blame, I will blame my kodrat of being culturally a woman.

Sigh, kodrat ini membunuhku.