this post will be started with the word: penetration.

well, whatever association you may have about that word, just wait and read until the end of this post why i start this post with “penetration”.

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i came to university this morning swollen eyes and carrying the trace of a whole night sobbing.

someone’s died this week. yes michael jackson has passed away, but it was not his death which prompted me to cry. someone’s mother died this week. she is a somebody’s wife and the grandmother of ten cute little garrulous children. the dead lady was the mother of a senior lady lecturer and the wife of that lady’s father who has also been  lecturing at my department for the last fifty years. for your information, they’ve been married for almost a half century. when we came to his house  to pay our last respect to the deceased, he looked so distraught. what a gentlemen! he cried while telling us and re-telling us how he has passed so many ups and downs with the wife.

it was really a mourning morning.

i was mourning myself: not for her death but for my shattered dream.

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no. not yet. the penetration part will not appear in lines to come. please be patient.

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i’ve been waiting for this chance to come for months. i’ve bought my ticket, two ways. i was supposed to fly to KL yesterday  but for one thing i will not disclose in this post i am still in padang now, choked with tears.

crying for six days in a row is apparently the way how i express this biggest disappointment of the semester. up to this very time i am typing my post, i still refuse to pick up any call from just anybody sending a sheer panic to my family back home in bukittinggi. i know they will ask me to stop mourning. some kid sisters called me “stupid” to cry over things which have made me cry. one of them simply asked “where is my jagoan sister?” a friend heartlessly commanded me to “forget it”.

i, delvi wahyuni, am still powerless to stop these tears drops from rolling on my cheeks. i am broken. nelangsa, that’s how my national tongue term it.

Ancient Horace said carpe diem quam minimum credula postero. yes, i am afraid tomorrow will betray me. that’s way i had to fly to KL yesterday. but i didn’t. now i become more afraid that tomorrow will betray me.

this sadness eats me up inside. i even cried when watching our final presidential debate. feeling sober.

i’ve come to few funeral this weeks. so many deaths. that’s why i had to fly to KL yesterday but i didn’t. i pray hard tomorrows will have no slightest idea to betray me. my heavily made up eyes can never hide my sorrow.

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so, why does this post start with penetration?

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yesterday, when we were preparing to go to the just-being-left-by-life-wife senior lecturer, four of us were busy chatting in front of the office pantry. so, this boy, a teaching assistant had been missing for sometimes and appeared again yesterday to join us to the mourning house (is it the calling?) that day. he told us he did not turn out for almost two weeks because his doc diagnosed him with  dengue symptom. in short, he had to get some rest to recover.

inevitably, my wretchedness (for missing my flight to KL) did not deter my mischievous speech.

“so boy, the mosquito was successful to penetrate your skin huh?!!” i said coolly.

i felt cool but, the two ladies, one’s married and the other used to be so, jumped to the ceiling hearing me pronouncing pen-i-treyt.

“ah delvi! what a word u use! penetration is the ending act in making love”, she said whispering.

the other lady looked at me with amazement how a delvi, an anak perawan (i mean, unmarried) could mouth such a taboo word.

the boy also looked a bit frazzled with the word i’d just uttered.

for those who could not imagine how amazed they were with the word i used, here is the best physical description i could present”

the three of them stared at me. of course their eyes were widely open as did their mouth. this physical condition lasted for at least ten seconds and only after that a lady broke the ice by whispering to me the sexual association of that word. she then sat in one of the chair near the pantry and gulped her iced water.

i stayed cool and defended my choice of word. i reasoned that penetration does not have to be  necessarily associated with the act of sexual intercourse (again they looked at me with amazement upon hearing another taboo- should-be-pronounced-in-whispering-mode word). i told them to listen to the football commentators when they give their skillful comments on how the first half-time of the match is. “they will shamelessly say: Kaka did a lot of penetration attempts into the heavily guarded centre field of Internaziole bla bla bla..see…..there is nothing wrong with my choice of word”, i showed them my wry ear to ear grin.

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ah! but i don’t see the word penetration fit anywhere  in your long winded, emotionally laced post of how sorrowful you are!

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yes! the fact that i m not going to KL has  shrouded me with agony. look at my swollen eyes. have some mercy on me please! could not eat. going thru sleepless nights six days in a row! gosh billy bob joe!! i’ll be dead soon if not plotting to beat tomorrow so it could never betray me! i need to win or i’ll die.

i badly need some supports to stand up but the whole world seems not to understand me. or is it me who cannot emulate well on what i want?

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oh ja? but what does it has to do with penetration?

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okay. because robert herrick has just risen from his grave and created so many impersonates in my facebook or yahoo messenger account and in my kampung. they, in unison, spit this line:

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old time is still a-flying :
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he’s to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer ;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may go marry :
For having lost but once your prime
You may for ever tarry.

what i hate about this is they take the poem literally. what more? being a perawan, a maiden, limits my space and freedom.  i cannot wear certain color of lipstick coz only married ladies are culturally allowed to used it (i never bring my red classic lipstick to bukittinggi “or else” mom said); i even may not say “penetration”!

hope now you get it why i start this post with  penetration!