m in malaysia now staying in alson klana nilai. i didn’t mean to stay in this hotel or  spend one more night in this country yet for the cancellation of my flight, air asia needs to give us a room to stay tonight and schedule us to fly back home tomorrow morning.

it was such an adventure for me. on friday, i supposed to fly the 2.10 p.m flight but few days beforehand they moved it to friday morning 8.50 a.m flight. today they did another rescheduling but the did not inform us at all. so when i reached their check-in counter one hour before my flight,  i saw no one but the sign board boasting  this word: CLOSED. so i went to their customer service booth and was told that the flight had been moved to earlier flight. they asked me to wait until three thirty before they were able to give me further information. the staff  which  manned that booth gave me a ten malaysian ringgit worth mcdonald’s voucher for lunch. (i m never a big fan of this restaurant  and that air asia staff  looked tired)

so i waited and waited and waited and waited and after checking for three times only at  four thirty they asked me to proceed to counter no 12 to get my boarding pass. i was so happy thinking about going home soon. to be honest, i came to kuala lumpur this time just to cry. i went thru too many disappointments.  i named this recent trip of mine “tearful journey”. hey! do not laugh at me! seriously, i came to kl just to sit in the corner of a coffee shop doing something resembling beckett’s waiting for godot. and you know after the third sip, i began sobbing. i have expected that i will meet that “too many disappointments” and sort of prepare myself to handle them yet still i cried

so, finally i got to the  boarding room and sat patiently before gate number 13. after quite sometimes, a crew came and opened the gate and told me and seven other passengers to follow him. can you imagine that big new series of boeing air bus flies to padang only to transport eight of us. so VIP! however, when the flight attendant demonstrating how to fasten your seat belt, the captain went out of his cockpit and told his crews that the flight must be canceled due to some technical problems.

seeing the captain out of his abode, i knew immediately that i would not go home tonight. then, one crew ushered us back to the terminal and we went trough boarding process in reverse mode. again, we were given a mcdonald’s voucher for dinner and were told to wait there until they could book  hotel rooms for us to stay

so here i am now, typing this post in the lobby. i’ve been here before. way back  in 2008 i presented a paper in this hotel’s seminar room. yeah another memory. how i wish i could find ways to erase particular memories from my brain the way i delete some files from my laptop. but the wish leaves me with a question:  will i feel better if  i can do it?

for the past three days i’ve been told so many wise words from those who care about me trying their best to show me my way home. yeah home: the notion that gives you security; a place where you are blessed with happiness and no sad tears are allowed. “stay home!” a voice warned me. but i m such a subborn girl. i strayed away from home to try my luck! and then here i am now: stranded both literally and figuratively speaking.

 

 

it’s been more than two weeks after the earthquake.

i have started teaching this week. despite teaching in a tent for every storied building at my uni is either completely flattened to the ground or not safe to use, i am glad everything is getting back to normalcy.well, what i mean is i m back at work and my students are back in class……..err…..tent.

yeah padang has started to move on with life. you could see school kids going to school or petty traders going to the markets to keep the economy going. padang is never a beautiful city (compared to my beloved bukittinggi) but i can’t deny that the scene of the survivors trying to get on with life amidst rubbles from collapsed buildings is really beautiful.

but the notion of  “life is getting back to normalcy” does not mean that everything is OK for me and the rest of us in padang and other affected areas. technically, i am and many others are homeless in padang. for some of those who are lucky enough for their homes are still there proudly standing, they still need to deal with no supplies of clean water and electricity. you know what happened to me? i slept at my friend’s house but i took a bath at my s00n-to-be-former-land lady’s place and shat at my other friend’s office and charged my handphone at my uni. i am a complete nomad then. and yeah life is a lot easier when m at uni since it still retains some little traces of civilization where i can still pretend that everything is nearly okay for i do not need to worry much when the nature calls.

but still, it’s beautiful to be alive. yes we have no homes, no school buildings, no shopping malls, no hotels, no hospitals because they have been decimated by the nature but we need to live-to stay alive. if the spirit is still there, building all those which have gone is just a piece of cake.

but with all those stupid rumors that in other few months there will be another big earthquake for a particular seismic plate near mentawai has not reached its stabil point yet, how to waive that feeling of insecurity?

some students of mine even have planed to move out from padang and try their luck in other place in indonesia. i heard that some students even decided to quit university and live a peaceful life back in their kampung for fear of earthquake and tsunami. a friend of mine begged to her boss to be transferred to other city.

everybody seems to want to leave. but i personally thing that’s not the best thing to do. where are you going to run when it comes to disaster? two weeks ago it might be padang’s turn to get hit. tomorrow it might be new york or honolulu or leiden or beijing. we will never know, will we? so, what we can do now is be alive and do something.

i think my government should really seriously think about investing some money in disaster education or prevention or stuff like that. for disaster prone area like my place (we’ve got volcanoes, rivers, shores, valleys. hills, swamps) people need to be educated about the a-to-z-of any kind of disaster we might have. i think we should also begin thinking about inventing technology to prevent some disasters and to, at least, minimize the destruction and casualties for disasters like earthquake and tsunami. i think it’s a better thing to do than policing the people’s moral like the government of padang or west sumatra in general were busy doing (experts said padang is completely unprepared for earthquake and tsunami).

yeah they told me some shits like the earthquake flattened ambacang hotel since it’s a place of immorality for the rescuers found some naked bodies in the decimated rooms; padang was hit badly because the people were lazy to pay zakat. so what you need to do is to be more pious or stand the wrath of god!

i just cringed to that stupid idea. it is an analysis of a complete lazy mind. however, in the society m living in, to dismiss that notion of god’s involvement in disasters is also equally stupid (people will label you “secular, westernernized, atheist……”) . so i said:

“yeah god is mad at you by giving you flood since you keep cutting the trees in the forest. god is getting emotional by sending you a killer tsunami and destroy your city because you destroy mangrove are near your shores. god is crazy to see your greed in poorly constructed buildings so a mild tremor could be dangerous.”

i hope i do not sound stupid either.

well this gadis kampung series is really my venue to complain about the fact that m a kampung girl.

i might be yeah ..you know liberal, cosmopolitan and blah blah blah but i still have to eat the fact m a kampung girl and need to bend down to the abiding norms of my kampung.

“you should think of what your kampung people will think about your words, your actions, who your friends are, and blah blah blah………”

yesterday, a friend of mine came all the way from new york to my city. so, it’s just normal you know if i wanted to take him to my home, you know taking him around. but i could not do it! no, i may not do it!

oh how i wish i were a boy. truly! i could take just any friends home. there would be no bruahaha.

but i may not do it. you know, a 7.9 magnitude earthquake did not prompt me to have a breakdown at all. but this restriction (of me cannot take my friends who happen to be male) home really sets me in tears. it hurts my pride.

if my brother can do it, why can’t i? if my brother is allowed to go home late, why can’t i?

and

i plan to go backpacking traveling thru sumatra and java in february with a pal (who happens to be a boy) and i believe everybody in the family will say “NO”

it’s my money and it’s my body but still the answer is “NO” no matter how i convince them that i do not copulate with just any man i meet! i m sure i know the do’s and the don’ts of being me. my records is clean you know.

how i wish i were a boy.

how i regret going home after all.

how i wish i could leave soon.

the murderous earthquake on last wednesday only lasted for 46 seconds. but it took my friend and twenty of her students away forever.

her name was destelina. she was such a sweet and tender lady. i have nothing bad to say about her even if she were still alive at this moment. she was always a favorite biology teacher amongst her students.

i remember  i went to her hometown to attend her wedding four years ago. she wore an indian wedding gown. it was green and fitted her well. she was  so beautiful.

this weekend, again, i will come to her hometown. this time i come to mourn and i hate it. i never like funeral. separation really hurts me.

my heart goes to her toddler child. losing a mother at such a tender age is not something easy to go thru.  but i believe destelina will always be with her. and i will always remember her.

see you destelina.

I am alive.

And  I am taking shelter in a nice building with electricity and internet connection at day time. Technically I am a refugee since my rented room was completely  decimated yesterday afternoon. 

Padang is officially isolated from outer access from any possible direction for collapsing bridges and landslides. Thank god now the rain has stopped pouring. Otherwise we will again go helter skelter out of the building hit by the quake and welcome by the rain only to get drenched.

I only stuffed assortments of instant noodles since last nite. No restaurants are  opened.

Moreover, fuel has become the new gold just now. Everybody is storming the petrol station and some even spark a minor vendetta fighting to get the remaining fuel left.

I am still trying to reach my brother. He sms-ed my family last nite telling them that he is OK. but the busy or  maybe paralysed network has failed me to reach him. Well, at least he is OK. My father planned to pick me up and take me home to Bukittinggi but because of Padang-Bukittingi route is disrupted by a massive landslide in Silaing, near the Epicentrum of this 7.6 magnitude earth quake, I think I will stay in Padang tonight.

I cannot write much at this time but promise to write more later when things have calmed down.

If I get thru this night unscathed,  I might be able to post some pics on the latest tremors. (even as a refugee i managed to take several poses near the wreakages of the fallen buildings).

If you want to help these poor victims of this West Sumatera earth Quake, you know how to do it right. What they need most is medicine, food, blanket, clothing, tents, sanitary napkin (the great tremor never succeeds to panic me but my period which suddenly came last night panicked me a real deal. I only had it lastweek anyway that i m wondering why it comes “again”  last night).

well see you when i see you folks.

i don’t plan to post anything serious during this idul fitri festivity mood, but this story really makes me sit my ass down and log in to my wordpress account.

you know i really can’t stand stupidity! Read the article taken from the jakarta globe below if you want to know what i mean:

September 25, 2009

Ade Mardiyati

A young recruit from anti-Malaysia group Bendera taking part in combat training. (Antara Photo)

A young recruit from anti-Malaysia group Bendera taking part in combat training. (Antara Photo)

Indonesian Vigilantes Prepare For Battle in Malaysia

At this moment in Jakarta, a group of Indonesians are putting the final touches to their plan to invade Malaysia and wage war. Benteng Demokrasi Rakyat has announced Oct. 8 as the date of this D-day, when it says it will avenge all the wrongs committed against Indonesia by its neighbor .

Established during this year’s presidential election, the group, also known as the People’s Democratic Defense, has attracted public attention with its protests calling on Indonesians to “kill Malaysians.” Earlier this month, the group set up roadblocks in Menteng, Central Jakarta, in an attempt to detain Malaysian citizens.

However, the roadblocks failed to net any Malaysians, according to Mustar Bona Ventura, the group’s coordinator. “If we had caught them, we would have sent them home,” the 32-year-old economics student said.

He said the group’s anti-Malaysian stance was not motivated solely by claims that the neighboring country has been busy stealing Indonesia’s culture.

“It’s the whole thing, including the claims on our islands and the abusive treatment of Indonesian migrant workers,” he said. “The breaking point was when they insulted us through our national anthem, ‘Indonesia Raya.’ ”

Tensions between the neighboring countries have reached a fever pitch this year due to unresolved sovereignty claims in the Ambalat waters; accusations that Malaysia has claimed Indonesian cultural heritage as its own, including the Balinese pendet dance, various dishes and batik; a recent offensive parody of Indonesia’s national anthem; and the abuse of Indonesian migrant workers in Malaysia.

Mustar said Bendera had already recruited more than 1,200 members and expects to sign up at least 300 more. The group said it recruited 600 volunteers in Greater Jakarta alone last week.

“People from all sorts of backgrounds came and registered,” he said. “We have students, farmers, lawyers, fishermen, teachers and many more. Disabled people also signed up.”

The group reportedly has 40 recruits who are deaf, 10 with limb deformities and 10 who are confined to wheelchairs.

Bendera’s seeming enthusiasm for conflict and claims that the planned invasion is going forward is contrary to government warnings: Teuku Faizasyah, a spokesman for the Foreign Affairs Ministry, has said the group’s members won’t get anywhere near Malaysia.

“If there are any Indonesian nationals who are intending to go to Malaysia for a confrontation, they will be arrested. It will be impossible for them to enter the country,” he said.

However, Mustar said that self-defense training and black magic spells designed to protect the troops had already been provided, with 150 members taking part in two sessions held at Bendera’s headquarters. The offices are located on Jalan Diponegoro in Menteng, Central Jakarta, an address that was formerly used as the headquarters for the Indonesian Democratic Party of Struggle (PDI-P).

“This [training] is to support our people, and we have also armed them with weapons that volunteers donated, such as samurai swords, ninja sticks and sharpened bamboo sticks,” Mustar said. “We really meant it when we said we were going to deploy [troops] to Malaysia to fight them on [Octoer 8].”

Asked how they intended to get their weapons through airport security, Mustar said, “It’s just a matter of technique. But of course we’re not telling you how.” He added that the cost of traveling to Malaysia was being covered by each individual.

He said the group had earlier sent letters to President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono and the Malaysian Embassy in Jakarta containing its list of demands.

“First, we asked the government to close the Malaysian Embassy here and send all the country’s citizens back home. Second, the government should close our embassy there and send home all the Indonesian migrant workers.

“And last of all, we demanded that the government declare war against Malaysia.”

Single mother Yuni said she felt it was her duty to help Indonesia protect its cultural heritage from Malaysia and to stand up for the rights of abused migrant workers. Just last month, she registered as a volunteer for Bendera and said she was ready to go to Malaysia to join the war, even if that meant leaving her three children behind in Pandeglang, West Java.

“Malaysia stole our islands and insulted our national anthem. As a citizen, I am called to participate [in the war],” she said.

She said that if the Indonesian government and military failed to take action, it was up to citizens to take over. “My will is strong for saving our beloved Indonesia,” the 40-year-old said. “I’m not afraid of anything.”

Another recruit, Endo Kosasih, echoed her sentiments, saying he was not afraid to die if he had to go to the battle zone.

“It will be the same if you die now or tomorrow,” the 26-year-old said. “I am brave.”

Like his fellow Bendera members, Endo took part in the self-defense training course. He also learned how to shoot a bow and arrow, and said his aim had become quite accurate.

Endo said he had the support of his family and was determined to join the troops going to Malaysia so he could defend the motherland.

“We don’t want our nation to be harassed, our culture to be stolen or [the lyrics of] our national anthem to be twisted,” Endo said.

Mustar said the group had already sent 10 people to Malaysia, to conduct reconnaissance and draw up battle plans. “You could say they are our spies,” he said.

And on Oct. 8, Mustar continued, 1,500 Bendera troops will leave for Malaysia by air, land and sea, although he refused to elaborate. The group also plans to deploy a second batch of troops at a later stage, he said, adding that Bendera would work with Indonesian migrant workers and students in Malaysia to help boost its numbers.

“And once we get there, we will fight furiously in an open war with the Malaysians. Just like the wars you’ve seen on TV,” he said. “For us, Malaysia has really crossed the line.

“And if our government has no courage, then [it is time] we start a war.”

Volunteer Sugeng Widodo plans to leave his wife, who is four months pregnant, should the group call upon him.

“I prioritize my country,” the father of two said. “My wife and children breathe the air of this country. That’s why [I prioritize it].”

Back home in Klaten, Central Java, 37-year-old Sugeng is a farmer but said he had been trained in Jakarta to use arrows and spears. He said Bendera members would also be trained in the use of guns.

He said he was determined to fight and would stay in Malaysia until the issue of Indonesian ownership in the Ambalat waters was resolved.

“We see how our migrant workers are treated and the government doesn’t do anything about it,” he said. “Every citizen has the right to be protected.

“I will fight until the last drop of my blood. That is what I will do to defend my country.”

Asked what the group would do if the planned invasion on Oct. 8 failed, Mustar said they would evaluate and then go back to the drawing board. The main priority, he said, would be to demand the Malaysian government publicly apologize to all Indonesians.

However, he said he was optimistic that nothing would stop the invasion, not even the Indonesian government, and that everything would go according to plan.

“Indonesia will win! Indonesia will win!” he said.

————————————————————————————————-

I only have one sentence for them: ARE YOU NUTS?

sigh, these people are really a complete joke. What a disgrace.

I just stumbled upon this and this and  this .

I…..simply cannot say anything. It’s not that I promote adultery but…..I am at lost of words.

Why…..do we go back to the medieval age? I am not Acehnese but I respect their culture and their way of life but stoning adulterers to death is not acceptable at all.

Which one is more important? Moral or life, the right to live, the right to improve the self, the right to choices. What has happened to them, people?

I am no moralist. I am not religious. I only pray five times a day without performing any additional prayers to get more reward. I just fast during Ramadhan. I even never  give alms to any beggars begging their way to me. I have no sympathy at all.

But to impose such a cruel death to human being is …i hardly able to digest it.

This corporal punishment, does it make everything better, holier?

where is justice? where is commonsense? where is benevolence? Compassion, where art thou? humanity, are you there?

So, what will happened to me supposed when my cousin tried to rape, he did i

God, do you really there? Have you died?

Whose side are you on?

yes, “whose side are you on” was  the question asked by my colleague last night.

you know recently, apart from the earthquake season, massive flooding season in some part of indonesia (but ironically other parts of this archipelagic nation suffer fierce dry season where there is no water at all), demo season has also began for the past two months. The demo is not about urging the government to fight for corruption or eradicate poverty or stop illegal logging in kalimantan or discontinue child and woman trafficking or advocate ‘the save the earth from global warming’ civil movement but about malaysia’s new tourism ad featuring a balinese dancer dancing pendet dance aired on the discovery channel. This ad definitely sparked a huge controversy in indonesia. it’s easy to predict that after some media giants the caliber of metro tv highlighted  this issue,  some clusters of people across the nation took to the street protesting and demanding the malaysian government to explain why the hell they put that balinese dancer on their tourism ad. they wanted the malaysian government to “apologize for ‘again’ stealing our traditional culture”.

these people really have bitterly creative ways in expressing their fury to the malaysian government or malaysians or anything malaysian. some bravado students gate-crashed the malaysian embassy hurling rotten eggs to the  malaysia’s insigna attached to the gate. the most fearless among them even tried to hoist our national flag, sang saka merah putih, at the malaysian embassy. another group of protesters in Jogja (i watched on tv few days ago) staged a rally and set fire to jalur gemiang, malaysia’s national flag. there were even children asked by some adults to stamp on posters inscribed with jalur gemilang.

and the frenzy continues in the media where news anchors interviewing assortment of “experts” on culture, politics and artists and celebrities on this matter.  Some of the experts blamed malaysia for being not creative enough to create their own culture that they have to “steal” some from indonesia. others simply blamed the indonesian government for their stupidity and laziness not to capitalize our cultural assets that a tiny country like malaysia is daring enough to “steal” from a giant indonesia. “indonesian government should do something to copyright our rich and diverse culture”, said one expert.

then, the news anchor launched this kind of “your voice” session where tv watchers are invited to call and express their opinion. and here we go, the callers airing their piece over the matter. words such as nationalism and patrioticism were boundlessly mentioned. on the screen, on the stream of sms sent to the tv, we could read innumerable calls to “ganyang malaysia” (crush malaysia).

what more? the agitation has transpired to the virtual world where indonesian hackers were busy defacing whatever webs which have the [dot]com[dot]my in it when Malaysia celebrated their independence on august 31st. on the net, both people from both countries now are busy calling each other bad names. sometimes, dog was in the line. then, cow. i also read pig.  indonesians called malaysians stupid. malaysians called indonesians moron. malaysians called indonesia as the nation of maids and criminals and forest arsonists sending endless haze to their beautiful cities (lots of Indonesian maid working there and there are Indonesian gang robbers operating there and of course we really have lots of forest on fire). indonesians called malaysia as the nation of maid abusers and wife beaters and importer of terrorists (yeah, lots of Indonesian maids are abused there and with the Manohara case, and don’t forget noordin.m. top, malaysia  has really lost face in my country).

over these past few weeks, people from both countries have registered new words in their lexicography. for indonesians, malaysians are  “Maling-Sia” (Malaysians are thief: Maling is Indonesian for thief). For malaysians, indonesians are Indon-Sial (Fucked Indonesians).

do you want to hear more?  a particular state university refused to accept any malaysian citizen application for a seat at their university. then, many indonesian universities plan to stop sending their academic staff to study in malaysia. “they are no better than us….they have looked down at us”, said them. then, “let’s go to japan, australia or the us of a” as if in these countries they would not be discriminated against. or, it is okay for them to suffer discrimination from the japanese or australians or americans than from malaysians.  i really don’t know which one.

and what does this matter have to do with me?

okay, I did my M.A in malaysia. i lived there from 2005 to 2008. i have been there; adored some places; learned lots of stuffs; irritated by some of them; fell in love with one of them yet he dumped me few days ago.

so, my people, i mean my friends and families are now busy calling me or sms me or drop a message in my facebook account inquiring why “these malaysians are so keen of stealing from us”.

“they have stolen sipadan and ligitan (islands). now they are eyeing at ambalat (another island). they have claimed rasa sayange (moluccas folk song), reog ponorogo (dance), sumatran rendang (food), javanese batik (traditional cloth), sundanese angklung (musical instrument),  raflesia arnoldi (carnivorous flower) and now pendet dance (famously from bali)”.   (had he not dumped me, i would have been the next  in line to be “claimed”:  giggling mode is on).

so “delvi, whose  side are you on?”, asked a voice.

i said, “ i side the truth and commonsense (that friend told me that this is what aristotle said when he disagreed with plato).

for those who are still confuse about what my post is all about, let me be clear that i don’t think we can copyright or patent culture or its offspring. how to do it for commonsense’ sake?

let say i, a minangkabaunese, along with my whole kampung people immigrate to a country named,  let say,  Utopian-nesos  after my kampung  been wreak havocked by tsunami. then, we become the citizen of that Utopian-nesos. when we talk about citizenship, it means we hold that county’s passport and should, of course,  pledge our loyalty to that country. we are willing to shed our blood to defend her from outer or inner threats. and yet we are still  minangkabaunese, rite? we still love to cook rendang and other super spicy and delicious gulai. We will build our traditional house the way we build it back home in west sumatra highland. we will dance dances we dance back in homeland.  we will still sing songs we sing back in homeland. we will pass all of our cultural practices, beliefs, and legacies to our next generation so it will not extinct.  in most cases, our culture will mix with the cultures, which have been already there. our minangkabaunese  culture will be part of our adopted country’s culture.

should Utopian-nesos list rendang as their national cuisine, who has any right to complain?

yes, now we are the citizen of Utopian-nesos but no body can deny that we are also Minangkabaunese and bear the same right to practice any culture practiced by the minangkabaunese back in the minangkabau land in Indonesia.

It is the same thing that we minangkabau people are so pride of our vast chili farmland (no minangkabau cuisine which has no chili in it) but don’t we realize that chili comes from america? we are so proud of our kecap or bakso or mie ayam as our national cuisine without realizing that they are originally chinese. if the chinese government wants to patent it, what should we do then?

so, i think on this cultural claiming stuff we really need to sit calmly and let commonsense prevail. i personally think that the burning of malaysian national flag other uncivilized stuffs we have done to anything malaysian is not a pretty thing to look at. if we are that great we should have grand way to express our discontent.

i am not in anyway promoting plagiarism. it is disgusting. but being inspired is another thing. please remember that the production of art does not happen in a vacuum. there are many external factor which will be the raw material for the production of your art like your ideology, culture, country you live in or your neighboring country, books you read and the list is on. read pierre macherey if you don’t  believe in me. you don’t compose a dance because a mere idea struck you like you are god. you must be inspired at least by the nature

well, never question about my sense of nationalism. i understand this notion better than any of you yo- flag burners. don’t label me as pro-malaysia because you never know that i’ve my own fair share of being badly treated there. my experiences are first hand right from the ground zero ranging from being referred as maid or rudely treated by the immigration officers or being asked for my price because they think all Indonesian female in malaysia is prostitute. while yours,  yo flag burners, is just collective pseudo-nationalism activated by lack of knowledge.

then, how to deal with this issue should it surface again in the future? my suggestion for the Indonesian government is start to do a serious campaign to put Indonesia’s rich and diverse culture in a publicly accessed data base. then, go promote them to the whole world and go to mars altogether (supposed there are living things there). no need to burn flags but fight a discourse with a counter discourse; an ad with a counter ad. once the world know that pendet or other dance (of course thru rigorous advertisement) is ours, malaysia will look silly if they plan to put the same dance in their ad.

these malaysians know they have less (than ours) yet they know how to commodify them to the max and they are serious about it. that is not in any way a sin. you even sell your mother to gain profit. so, why can’t we do the same? we want money, rite?

but to copyright culture and cut it into pieces based on a rigid modern national boundary is a big no no for me. how to do it?

again, i side commonsense.

click this if you want a more academically elaborate article.

http://www.othermalaysia.org/2009/09/02/asean-has-to-accept-its-common-cultural-roots-and-history/

I am listening to Mariah Carey’s “I still believe” while typing this post.

———————————————————————————————-

Well, I am OK. I think I am OK. Therefore, I am OK.

An epiphany came to me just now that what everyone wants in life is happiness. If the man I love thinks that marrying that fiancée, who doesn’t like him talking to me, of his will give him happiness. Then who am I to stand in his way? So, despite the fact I can’t prevent this hurt from almost over taking me, I am letting go. If he should return to me, we truly were meant to be. Wah, I don’t know I can be so literary. (To avoid any accusation of plagiarism I just listened to another Mariah Carey’s song: Butterfly. So, I see no harm of being inspired. But, anyone, any layman can have the same clauses, rite?)

Yesterday was definitely the gloomiest day of my life. I even stupidly planned to live a “William Faulkner’s A Rose for Emily” life. (you should read the story if you want to know more but in short this Emily killed her fiancé who plans to jilt her days before their wedding. She saved his remain in their supposedly wedding chamber and spent the rest of her life sleeping next to the corpse.)

You know I told my uncle, who still tried to console me and asked me to be strong, that “I can withstand anything but the fact he is getting married…why doesn’t he kill me altogether…it’s a death sentence….the sky is falling for me”. My uncle warned me not be to be fatalistic because “life is for living so go and live it”. Yet, I stubbornly decided to stay in love with my sorrow and be a Kate Mansfield’s Miss Brill, a poignant dame seule*. I persistently muttered Derevaun Seraun** during my sleep deprived night. I laid awake staring blankly to the ceiling. I even didn’t bother to care about my safety during series of mild tremor at 2 a.m. I might dead as well, I thought. Why should I live if I could not hold him again, I whispered. His face was everywhere tormenting me. Smiling. The smile that I adore.

I planned to be gloomy as well today. I wanted the world to know that I was the victim of a betrayed love (or is it a one-side love?) or a thwarted hope. But, isn’t he the victim too if he forces himself to be with me despite the fact he does not feel for me anymore (or never)? It’s suicidal for his part.

So, I started my day as usual today. As usual as days before the days I met him. Never will I regret the encounter. Probably I will cry a sob two for the detachment (I still don’t cry till this moment). I still can play a clear mental snap shot of the moments he took me to an art gallery or a museum or corrected my mispronounced English (I remember the word is sapphire) or told me funny stories or when we strolled in the park or watched Batman The Dark Knight. Such a gentle and soft-spoken young men he is . A lump felt in my throat recalling this sweet memories for your information. I still miss him so profoundly. (and probably he is now busy frolicking with his fiancée, who knows?)

And the day turned out to be very fine. I am my usual self today. Such a speedy recovery from the worst blow I’ve ever had . I don’t know what the factor for this quick recuperation is. My uncle might be right that I am too strong for this. and to “dump or be dumped is just a part of growing up…one day you will kick back and have a good laugh over this episode of you life”, said he.

Or, probably it’s because of my nature. I can never really hate someone no matter how evil they are to me  including a cousin of mine who almost raped me when I was six.

* French: woman alone

** Irish: The end of Pleasure is Pain (Read James Joyce’s Evelyn if you don’t trust me)

I don’t know where to start this story. My story.  But this post is probably my most personal entry.

The man I love informed me last night that “i’ve got sorts of good news but it might be bad news for u am afraid that am getting hitched”.  (I had nightmares for two days in a row and I saw him in my dreams, so I texted him asking about his being and that is the asnwer)

You know what, my reaction is completely out of your expectation of what a jilted girl will have:  no single drop of tears escaped my eyes.  To me personally it is a mystery why I didn’t cry at all.  It’s something extraordinary. I could be so calm. I could take this blow with grace. Or,  am afraid that I am merely living in the state of complete denial pretending that everything is completely alright and no body is breaking my heart.  I even could sleep soundly clutching his t-shirt, which is in my possession.

Yeah. Probably, I am just delirious. You know like being infected by a viral disease, I am now in the incubation stage. I could not feel the pain now but wait in few days I will burst and expire.

Or, it’s too painful that I could feel nothing at all. i’ve lost all senses.

Frankly speaking , this composure taking this kick in teeth quite fascinates me. no, it worries me. for the past one year since I got home to Padang, I never fail to cry my self to sleep every single night for the reason everybody must know: I miss him deeply.  (we live in different country)

But last night was different. I didn’t weep. I didn’t wail. I didn’t tear my hair. what a mystery!

Probably my most reasonable answer to this mystery is I love him too much that I am happy for his happiness. So, learning this happy happening to come,  I texted him (since he kept refusing my call) which said:

  1. Wah, congrats ya! When? M I invited?  (no replay)
  2. Tell her I m happy for her. I wish u a happy and blissful marriage. Try to have only two kids coz kids are expensive today. (no replay)

Yah, I love him too much to the extent I can tolerate this disappointment to my part.  He is getting married to someone else while I always think should I consider marriage I will choose him.

Or , he just wanted to get rid of me (m quite persistent and always take the initiative). I did the same thing to some of my former dates. I told them that “I am getting married so please forget me”.  But I didn’t tell them “my fiancée doesn’t like me talking to you”. It hurts my pride that my future husband has such a control over my life. Normally those former dates will stop calling me or sms me or say “delvi I miss you badly”.  Probably, he wants to create the same effect that I impose to boys I have dumped.

My uncle said everything happens for a reason .

Sure!  Can’t agree more.

Some of the reasons I have in mind are:

  1. He thinks it is impossible between us since we live in different country.  (You know what I did last two weeks: I flew to his city just to have a dinner with him and flew back to my country the day after. Definitely, it’s costly. And no mention about his imminent marriage at all).
  2. He simply does not feel for me.  What else?  I cannot force no one to love me if he does not want to and neither can one to me.

My uncle also said that it is not my loss, it’s his. I know he was trying to console me.  then, “ he is not worth your tears….you deserve a better man”. Yeah when someone ditches u, he is not good enough for you.  But, when the same man decides to stay, he is meant for you.  Funny, rite?

Never know how I could develop this deep attachment to him. Could not figure out how he stole my heart. When. Why.  and Why him. Why not my colleagues at uni?

I am never scared of everything including this everyday tremor we have here in Padang (just a moment ago we were hit by another quake, I guess it was at 5 or so magnitude. It was quite strong since the buildings were swaying). Truly, I never get panic when having a hit but the possibility not to see him again if I get killed in one of the hits scares me more. That’s the only fear I have now.

I love him. I still do and will do.

I won’t give hope. That’s not so me. Yeah this one particular thwarted hope won’t make me surrender. It’s hopes that get me where I am now and what I am now. Therefore, I will continue hoping.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Let down that’s how I feel

Need to cut out this bond

Hope I don’t over bleed

So I wont fall ill.

See, having a broken heart can be productive to me. I just wrote a poem! don’t you think the rhyming is perfect.